My Life

Through out my life I've been placed in different locations and pushed in different directions for other peoples benifit. Now that I have to make my own choices for myself, I'm so lost. How do others do it? Where do they begin?
I should start by finding myself. What do I like to do for fun? Who do I want to be?????
Hmm. Well thats a hard one for me.
When I was younger I lived on a strict schedule. I had no social life. Even if I wanted to it was impossible because I was different from all the other kids. I was the only African American within miles of where I stayed. I was called names and tortured at school. When I got home, I got to work in the garden feild, and did house chores. So I'm left with low self-esteem, and lack of communication skills.
I was told the way to find yourself is through other people. But honestly, I'm too scared.
I'm too scared to go to any of the parties, I'm too scared to go out with "friends".
I wonder is there any one out there like me. Is there any one else that feels like I feel? Or am I all alone? Does that make me weird or insane in some sence? That I am not social.
I always heard that one person can not go without another.
But I find myself all alone. There is no other for me.
This just goes to show me that I still have open wounds. I haven't gotten past old pain.
Is it wrong for me to put myself thru such torture? To dwell on the past?
Yes, I believe it is. But my life wasn't easy. No ones is. But I wouldn't put my life on my worst enemy.
Does that make me pathetic? Most people take whats handed to them and make the best out of it. All I've done is take it and let it make me who I am today. A sorry excuse for a human.
So what do I like to do for fun? First off, I don't believe my definition of fun is the same as every one elses. I'm not even sure if I have a definition. What I do for "fun" is sink deeper into my misery. Think about my greif, all day of every day.
Who do I want to be? I want to be a fun, loving, energetic person. With great friends and family. Some one always seen at the best parties, with the best dates. Someone people turn to for help.
But thats not who I am.